Paris Lees, journalist, presenter and transgender rights activist, is a great user of social media. Her Twitter account – @ParisLees – can be funny, thoughtful, challenging, and inspiring.

A while ago, she tweeted a link to an article of hers in Diva: “How to be a trans ally: Listen and ask lots of questions, but don’t be an a**hole”. As often happens with her writing, it kept popping back into my head. So here are some of my reflections on being an equalities ally.

 

  1. Listen and ask lots of questions, but don’t be an a**hole

Of course. That’s what a transgender rights activist I respect says! But the “don’t be an a**hole” bit is important: Is what I’m asking a matter of genuine interest? Will the answer make a difference and lead to me doing or thinking something different? Am I expecting one person to represent a whole group, community or identity? Is this the best way to find my answer?

We live in an age where most of us have instant access to information. Making use of the Internet for some equalities research (alongside surfing the latest cat videos) is worthwhile. If I’m doing a home-visit to someone from a different culture and I’m concerned I might unintentionally offend with my greeting, whether to take my shoes off etc., I have options: the Paris Lees approach would be to ask! To ask them, or someone else who shares their cultural identity. But I might also do some simple research to assure myself.

 

  1. Making a difference doesn’t have to mean changing the world, but if I can, I should

Part of being an ally is about doing what we can, in the moment. Small actions are important, and sometimes small is all we feel able to do. This is okay, though we can strive to do more the next time, rather than always settling for small actions.

However, this is dependent on context, and on our sphere of influence and ability to make change happen. If I am responsible for my organisation’s recruitment practice, then rather than just pointing out (say) the lack of Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME) senior managers, I can seek to make some real changes. Do we ask for unnecessary qualifications that might disproportionately exclude BAME people, rather than asking for demonstrable skills? Can we target a local community to encourage them to consider working with us? Have we got internal development programmes to give BAME staff in other roles the chance to train to become senior managers?

Whilst we can’t always make big changes, if we are in a position to, we should, rather than settling for doing less.

 

  1. Try to put myself in someone else’s position

Of course we can’t ever know exactly what someone else is experiencing, but we can think about how a situation might feel for ourselves, and work out what might make it a better experience.

Take physical access to buildings. A building can be “compliant” with access legislation whilst still falling short of what most people would think is really reasonable. If my access to a building is dependent on going through a different entrance to others, or needs a member of staff to open a door for me, or requires me to navigate an obstacle course of ramps, turns, pot-plants and furniture, then my experience will likely be poorer than that of others.

If I put myself in the position of someone else and think “This isn’t good enough for me,” then it isn’t good enough.

 

  1. If someone tells me they’re experiencing discrimination, then I’ll act accordingly

Two of the most damning words to hear are “Yes, but…” At best this likely means someone is just not listening to what I am saying. It can also mean my experience is being dismissed, minimised, or justified away. If someone is telling me something is discriminatory, that they are being treated as “less than”, for me to try and “yes, but…” that away only adds to their discrimination.

I can apply Paris Lees’ summary: listen and ask questions. The more I find out about the situation, the more I will understand, and the more I might be able to do about it. What can I do to change the situation? Can I change anything for this person’s experience? If so, I can offer that. Can I change anything for others’ experience to avoid it being repeated? If so, I can explain that. Is it outside my ability to change directly, but within my sphere of influence? Then I can explain who I will speak to, to effect a change.

 

  1. Don’t expect an “ally of the year” medal!

If I’ve spent a lifetime experiencing discrimination and an ally comes up with a positive response to me, well excuse me if I don’t get the bunting out! Sure, this may be a welcome change, but it is part of a wider life context. Don’t be surprised if I’m a bit suspicious, or express anger or question your motive: my previous experience may have left me wary or cynical.

In practice, of course, we do recognise when we are being treated well. And even if we don’t tell you, we may well tell others, which will reflect well on your organisation.

But don’t expect a medal: do it because it is the right thing to do.

 

  1. If I get it wrong, I can apologise and work to do better

Sometimes, with the best intent, as an ally I will get it wrong. How I react to such a mistake is crucial. Getting defensive, embarrassed and never putting my ally head up again won’t help anyone. Listening and learning to understand what my error was, apologising for it (properly, not one of those weasel-y “I’m sorry if you felt that….” statements) and working out how to do better next time is constructive.

 

  1. Just do it

We can always find an excuse for not acting, for not doing or saying something. One challenge in being a good equalities ally is to find ways around our excuses and then just get on with it.

If I don’t think I know enough about a specific equality issue, then I should find out more.

If I’m worried I might cause offence, then I should check out my language with others or through research.

If I’m not sure that what I’m considering doing will make any difference, I can try and see what happens.

 

I look forward to continuing trying to be as good an equality ally as I can be.